Starting The Self healing Journey
Starting a self-help or self healing journey can be an empowering and transformative experience. We are often super excited to dive right in and learn all we can. While the path towards healing and growth is undoubtedly rewarding, it can also be challenging at times.
Self-healing is not a quick fix or a one-size-fits-all solution - it takes time, effort, and patience. It will require you to allow yourself the space to make mistakes and learn from them. In this article, we'll explore some of the most common pitfalls of self-healing journeys, and offer tips and strategies for navigating them with grace and resilience. Whether you're just starting out on your journey or have been on the path for some time, this article will provide valuable insights and guidance to help you stay on track.
It's easy to become overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information and advice out there, and it can be tempting to follow it without taking the time to evaluate what's helpful and what's not. It's crucial to remember that everyone's journey is unique like you, and what works for one person may not work for another.
The self healing industry has become a billion-dollar market, promising to help individuals better themselves and achieve their goals. However, the industry is not regulated and there are many individuals who take advantage of vulnerable people with false promises, misinformation, and harmful practices.
Vulnerable people, such as those experiencing low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression, or are trauma survivors or neurodivergent can be easy targets for manipulators in the self-help industry. These manipulators, merchants of illusion and grifters, often market themselves as experts, providing personal development solutions and claiming to have the answer to all life's problems.
Grifters may offer expensive workshops, coaching sessions, or books that promise a quick fix to all problems. The reality is that the solution to most problems is not simple or fast, and vulnerable people who buy into these false promises can end up feeling worse.
In some cases, these grifters may also lead individuals into high-control groups that may cause harm. The individuals in these groups may be subject to manipulation, abuse, and exploitation, and may be too afraid to leave. We will explain the warning signs below.
Self healing can also go wrong when individuals adopt harmful beliefs and practices. This can lead to re-traumatization, and may keep individuals stuck in unhealthy patterns.
Be critical and cautious when seeking self-help solutions. One should always research and verify the credentials of the person offering the self-help solutions and be aware of warning signs such as promises of quick fixes, claims of having all the answers, and the use of high-pressure tactics to sell products or services.
It's important to remember that everyone makes mistakes. It's natural to feel ashamed or guilty when we mess up, but it's crucial to practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Self-compassion means treating ourselves with the same kindness, concern, and understanding that we would offer to a good friend. It involves acknowledging that making mistakes is a part of being human and accepting ourselves with all our flaws and imperfections. Self-forgiveness involves letting go of the resentment, anger, and blame that we may feel towards ourselves for our mistakes. It means acknowledging the mistake, taking responsibility for our actions, and then choosing to move forward with kindness and self-love. Remember, self-compassion and self-forgiveness are key elements of a healthy and fulfilling life.
Take the time to research different approaches, read reviews and recommendations, and trust your instincts when something doesn't feel right. Remember to listen to your body and your emotions, and to honor your own boundaries and limitations. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this process. Remember that self-improvement is a journey, not a destination, and that small, consistent steps can lead to meaningful change over time.
Above all, celebrate your progress and achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Every step forward is a victory, and every moment of self-discovery is a gift. So go forth on your self-healing journey with excitement, curiosity, and joy! You have the power to transform your life and create the happiness and fulfillment you deserve. Just remember to take care of yourself along the way, and you'll be amazed at what you can achieve!
Dangers to AVoid
Toxic positivity:
A dangerous trend in today's society where emotions and experiences are suppressed or dismissed in favor of an overly optimistic or cheerful outlook. This toxic form of positive thinking can lead to denial and invalidation of real emotions and experiences, hindering true healing and growth. The danger of toxic positivity lies in its ability to shut down important emotional processes and bury deep-seated traumas, leading to a cycle of denial, suffering and emotional unavailability. So, it is important to embrace and validate all emotions and experiences, both positive and negative, to allow for true healing and growth. By embracing a holistic approach that values both positive and negative experiences, we can cultivate a healthier, more grounded sense of well-being.
Re-traumatization:
One of the dangers of self-help is re-traumatization. This can occur when individuals engage in self-help practices that are too intense or too soon after the trauma has occurred. This can leave the individual feeling worse, rather than better, and may even exacerbate the symptoms of their trauma.
Worsening of symptoms:
In some cases, self-help practices may not be effective in helping individuals improve their lives. Instead, they may leave individuals feeling worse than they did before they started. This may be due to the individual's expectations being too high, or due to the individual engaging in practices that are not appropriate for their specific needs.
Harmful beliefs and practices:
Some self-help practices may perpetuate harmful beliefs and practices that keep individuals stuck. For example, individuals may be told to blame themselves for their problems, or to dismiss their emotions as unimportant. This type of messaging can lead to harmful beliefs and practices that keep individuals from seeking the help they need.
Hyper independence:
The idea that one should handle everything on their own without relying on others, can be detrimental to mental health. While it's important to be self-sufficient and take responsibility for our lives, hyper independence can lead to feelings of isolation, burnout, and increased stress. It can also prevent individuals from seeking help when needed and creating meaningful connections with others. Remember, it's okay to ask for support and work collaboratively with others to achieve goals. Building healthy relationships and community support can improve overall mental health and wellbeing.
Ableism:
A form of discrimination against people with disabilities. It involves attitudes and beliefs that devalue and limit the potential of individuals based on their physical, mental, or emotional abilities. Ableism can manifest in subtle ways, such as assumptions about someone's capabilities, or in more overt ways, such as physical barriers that prevent access to certain spaces. It is important to recognize and challenge ableism in all its forms to promote inclusivity, diversity, and equity for people with disabilities.
Spiritual bypassing:
The term used to describe the tendency to use spiritual beliefs and practices to avoid dealing with painful emotions or facing difficult life situations. While spirituality can be a powerful tool for healing, bypassing can actually hinder our progress and keep us stuck in patterns of avoidance. When we use spirituality to bypass our emotions or struggles, we deny ourselves the opportunity to fully process our experiences and heal from them. Instead, it's important to integrate spiritual practices with emotional and psychological work in order to achieve true healing and growth. By acknowledging and working through our pain and difficulties, we can ultimately find greater peace, wisdom, and fulfillment on our spiritual journey.
Trauma bonding:
A psychological phenomenon that can occur in abusive or traumatic relationships. It's a type of intense attachment that develops between the victim and the abuser, often characterized by cycles of idealization, devaluation, and control. Victims of trauma bonding may feel unable to leave the relationship, despite the harm they are experiencing, due to a sense of dependence, fear, or loyalty to the abuser. Trauma bonding can be difficult to recognize and can have long-lasting effects on a person's emotional and psychological well-being. Seeking professional help and support is important for breaking free from trauma bonding and healing from the effects of abuse. More about Trauma Bonding
Toxic Spirituality:
Refers to a distorted and harmful expression of spiritual beliefs and practices. This can manifest in a variety of ways, such as using spirituality to justify harmful actions or beliefs, manipulating or exploiting others in the name of spirituality, or promoting a dogmatic or exclusive view of spirituality. Toxic spirituality can be damaging both to individuals and to communities. It can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy for those who don't meet certain spiritual standards, and can create divisions and conflicts within communities. Additionally, it can prevent individuals from seeking the help they need outside of spiritual practices, and can discourage critical thinking and questioning.
Avoidance:
This can become an issue. In the real world we can't always avoid triggers or getting triggered. Attempting to avoid may cause avoidance itself to become triggering. Avoidance is also used by anxiety to say "see I was right."
The Compulsion to Heal:
If we have had or currently are experiencing addiction, we need to be sure not to turn "healing" into the next compulsion or addiction. While it is meant to be a lifestyle change of sorts, it should not be the end all be all of our everyday. Healing includes not only doing the work, but resting, recovering and the road to living and doing things we love again. We need to let ourselves rest and actually recover. We do not need to be constantly doing "healing work." A suggested amount of digging deep might be once or twice a week with a support system or therapist. Be compassionate to yourself.
Cognitive Biases
Cognitive biases are a normal part of human thought and behavior, but they can sometimes lead to incorrect or irrational decisions. Manipulators often take advantage by using our cognitive biases.
Here are some common cognitive biases:
Scarcity bias:
The belief that things are more valuable when they are rare or in short supply.
Comparison bias:
The tendency to compare oneself to others and to focus on what one lacks rather than what one has.
Group think:
The pressure to conform to the opinions and decisions of a group, often leading to irrational or problematic decision-making.
Authority bias:
The tendency to trust and follow the opinions of those in positions of authority, without considering their expertise or motivations.
Sunk cost fallacy:
The belief that one should continue investing in a decision or situation because of the resources already invested, even if the situation is no longer rational or beneficial.
Availability heuristic:
The tendency to base decisions on the most easily available information, rather than seeking out relevant or complete information.
Negativity bias:
The tendency of our brains to give more weight to negative experiences and information than positive ones. This can lead to a disproportionate focus on negative events or emotions, which can impact our mental health and well-being. However, becoming aware of this bias and actively working to reframe negative experiences or emotions in a positive light can help us cultivate a more balanced and healthy outlook. Practicing gratitude, mindfulness, and self-compassion are all effective ways to counteract the effects of negativity bias.
The backfire effect:
Occurs when people reject evidence that conflicts with their existing beliefs or attitudes, and instead, become more entrenched in those beliefs. This bias is particularly strong when people's beliefs are tied to their identity or values, making it difficult for them to accept information that challenges their worldview. In some cases, attempts to persuade someone with evidence that contradicts their beliefs can actually backfire and make them even more convinced of their original position. The backfire effect highlights the challenges of changing people's minds, and underscores the importance of approaching persuasion and communication with sensitivity and empathy.
Anchoring bias:
A bias that refers to our tendency to rely too heavily on the first piece of information (the "anchor") that we receive when making a decision or judgment. This means that we may base our decisions or judgments on the initial information that we receive, without fully considering other relevant information.
It's important to be aware of these biases and to make an effort to consider alternative perspectives and gather as much information as possible before making decisions.
Learn More About Cognitive Bias:
School of Thought
Misinformation, disinformation, & conspiracies
Conspiracy theories are narratives that explain an event or situation as the result of a secret, often sinister, plot by a group of people or organizations. They can range from harmless to dangerous, and while some are based on a grain of truth, most are completely unfounded.
The consequences of misinformation, disinformation, and conspiracy theories can be severe. They can lead to a lack of trust in institutions and experts, increase fear and anxiety, and even cause harm to individuals and communities.
It's important to be aware of the sources of information we consume and to fact-check before sharing anything. Additionally, critical thinking skills are crucial to being able to differentiate between fact and fiction. Engaging in open and respectful dialogue with those who have different beliefs or opinions can also help to combat the spread of misinformation and conspiracies.
Misinformation, disinformation, and conspiracies are a growing problem in society, and we must remain vigilant to combat their effects. We must seek out reliable sources of information, fact-check before sharing anything, and engage in critical thinking and respectful dialogue. Only then can we hope to build a more informed and connected society.
Additional Resource: The 411 On Misinformation & Disinformation
Grifters
A grifter is a person who engages in fraudulent or deceitful behavior in order to take advantage of others for personal gain. Here are some signs that someone may be a grifter:
- Smooth talker:
Grifters are often charming and convincing, using their charisma to gain trust and manipulate others. -
Vagueness:
They may be vague about their background, history, or personal details, making it difficult to verify their claims. -
Urgency:
They may create a sense of urgency in their offers or deals, urging others to make quick decisions without fully considering the consequences. They may offer create a limited-time offer or an opportunity that will disappear soon, in order to pressure victims into making a decision. - Unverifiable claims:
They make big promises or claims that are difficult to verify, such as access to exclusive investment opportunities or insider information. - Asking for personal information:
They may ask for sensitive personal information, such as social security numbers, bank account details, or credit card information. - Offering too good to be true deals:
They may offer deals or opportunities that seem too good to be true, such as guaranteed high returns on investments with little to no risk. - Lack of transparency:
They may be evasive or uncooperative when it comes to providing information or documentation. Requests for large sums of money:
They may ask for large sums of money, often as a fee or deposit, and promise that it will be returned with substantial profits.
Emotional manipulation:
They may appeal to the emotions of their victims, such as fear, guilt, or sympathy, in order to gain their trust and convince them to take action.
Social proof:
They may use testimonials or referrals from others to establish credibility and build trust including reviews from a converted sceptic.
Authority:
They may pretend to be an expert or authority figure, such as a doctor or financial advisor, in order to gain credibility and influence.
Scarcity:
They may use the principle of scarcity, such as limited quantities or exclusive access, to create a sense of urgency and value.
Flattery:
They may use flattery and compliments to build rapport and manipulate their victims into a false sense of security.
Fear:
They may use fear tactics, such as threatening consequences or loss, to control their victims and coerce them into taking action.
Uses Knowledge Gaps:
A grifter might use this knowledge gap to manipulate someone by inventing bogus terms or concepts that appear to be legitimate, but in reality, have no basis in fact. This could be done to convince someone to invest money in a scheme or program that promises to fill the knowledge gap and provide some sort of benefit th hooks you in.
If you suspect someone may be a grifter, it's important to be cautious and do your due diligence before entering into any financial or personal agreements with them. Consult with trusted friends, family members, or financial advisors and research the individual and their claims thoroughly.
The Merchant of Illusions
The Merchant of Illusions refers to someone who sells false hopes, unrealistic promises, or misleading solutions to people in need. This person or entity often exploits the vulnerabilities of individuals who are struggling with mental health issues, financial problems, or personal difficulties. The Merchant of Illusions can take many forms, such as a scam artist, a quack doctor, a self-help guru, or a political demagogue.
The Merchant of Illusions is dangerous because they offer quick fixes or easy solutions to complex problems. They often use persuasive tactics, such as emotional appeals, fear-mongering, or charismatic personalities, to manipulate people into believing their claims. For example, a self-help guru may promise that their program will transform your life in a few weeks, or a financial advisor may guarantee that their investment strategy will make you rich overnight.
The problem with these claims is that they are often too good to be true. The Merchant of Illusions may provide temporary relief or even some benefits, but in the long run, they can cause more harm than good. For instance, a scam artist may steal your money and leave you worse off than before, a quack doctor may give you a placebo that has no real effect, and a political demagogue may create division and chaos in society.
To protect yourself from the Merchant of Illusions, it's essential to be aware of the red flags and do your research before you invest your time, money, or trust in someone or something. Here are some tips:
1. Be skeptical of claims that sound too good to be true.
2. Do your research and check the credentials, reputation, and track record of the person or entity.
3. Consult with experts or trusted sources before making important decisions.
4. Don't be swayed by emotional appeals or pressure tactics.
5. Don't be afraid to ask questions, seek clarification, or challenge the claims.
6. Look for evidence-based solutions that are supported by science, research, or experience.
7. Be patient and realistic about the time, effort, and resources required to achieve your goals.
8. Trust your instincts and listen to your gut feelings.
9. Seek support from reliable and trustworthy sources, such as licensed professionals, peer support groups, or reputable organizations.
10. Take care of your mental health and well-being by practicing self-care, seeking help when needed, and staying grounded in reality.
The Merchant of Illusions is a pervasive problem in our society, especially in the self-help and wellness industry. It's essential to be vigilant, informed, and discerning when navigating this landscape to avoid falling prey to false promises, unrealistic expectations, or harmful practices. By following the tips above and staying true to your values and goals, you can protect yourself from the Merchant of Illusions and make informed choices that support your well-being and growth.
High Control Groups or Cults
Generally people don't join cults or high control groups knowingly. Often these groups use manipulation tactics like love bombing and isolation, or they offer a sense of community and a clear sense of purpose, which can be appealing to someone who is searching for these things. In some cases, people may be vulnerable to cult recruitment due to personal vulnerabilities such as loneliness, insecurity, or a desire for personal transformation. Cults may also target individuals who are going through a difficult life transition, such as a divorce or job loss.
While some people end up in cults due to lack of critical thinking skills, studies have shown that intelligent people can be more easily influenced by persuasive messaging, especially when it comes from someone they perceive as an authority figure. Highly educated people may assume that their critical thinking skills will protect them from being manipulated or deceived by a cult. However, this overconfidence can make them more vulnerable to tactics used by cults to manipulate and control their members. It's important for individuals to be aware of the warning signs of cult recruitment, and to stay vigilant against manipulation and control.
Here are some warning signs that someone may be joining a high control group or cult:
Pressure to Conform:
There is intense pressure to conform to the group's beliefs, practices, and lifestyle. Members are encouraged to cut ties with family and friends outside of the group, and may be shunned or punished for questioning the group's teachings.
Isolation:
The group tries to isolate its members from the outside world, often by discouraging or forbidding contact with outside sources of information and support.
Unreasonable Demands:
The group makes unreasonable demands on its members, such as excessive time and financial commitments, or unrealistic expectations for behavior and performance. They may become thieves of your time & labor.
Secretive:
The group is secretive, and its members are encouraged to keep the group's activities and beliefs hidden from outsiders.
Control Over Information:
The group controls the information its members receive, often by monitoring their communication and reading material. Members may be encouraged to only read literature approved by the group.
Thought, Behavior, & Emotion Control:
The group uses various coercive persuasion techniques, such as hypnosis, meditation, sleep deprivation, low protein or other diets, or other forms of psychological manipulation, to control its members.
Demands for Obedience:
The group demands obedience from its members and punishes those who do not comply. Members may be subjected to physical, psychological, or emotional abuse.
Fear and Intimidation:
The group creates a climate of fear and intimidation, using threats, punishment, or emotional manipulation to control its members. They may publicly shame members who break rules.
If you are concerned that someone you know may be involved in a high control group or cult, it is important to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional for support and guidance.
Additional Resources:
Signs of good Self Healing
Mentors, Coaches, & Spaces
Self-help coaches, groups, or leaders can be incredibly helpful for individuals looking to make positive changes in their lives. However, it's important to be able to distinguish between good and bad self-help options. Here are some signs of good self-help coaches, groups, or leaders:
Evidence-based:
A good self-help coach, group, or leader will rely on research and evidence to guide their practices and advice. They will be able to provide credible sources for their methods and approach.
Transparent:
Good self-help coaches, groups, or leaders will be open and honest about their qualifications, experience, and approach. They will be transparent about their fees, methods, and outcomes.
Focuses on growth and well-being:
A good self-help coach, group, or leader will prioritize your well-being and personal growth. They will not promote harmful practices or beliefs, and will be invested in your success and happiness.
Supports your individuality:
Good self-help coaches, groups, or leaders will recognize that everyone's journey is unique and will tailor their approach to your individual needs.
Diversity Equity and Inclusion:
A good coach will understand the importance of diversity, equity, and inclusion in their practice, and have received appropriate training to ensure that they are equipped to work with individuals from all walks of life.
Trauma informed:
A coach who is trauma informed is aware of the potential for past traumatic experiences to impact their clients, and will work in a way that prioritizes safety, respect, and empowerment for their clients.
Encourages self-reflection:
Good self-help coaches, groups, or leaders will encourage you to reflect on your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They will help you identify and work through personal obstacles that may be holding you back.
Emphasizes self-compassion:
Good self-help coaches, groups, or leaders will emphasize the importance of self-compassion and forgiveness. They will not promote harmful self-criticism or negative self-talk.
Offers practical skills and tools:
Good self-help coaches, groups, or leaders will offer practical skills and tools that you can use to make lasting changes in your life. They will not only provide advice, but also help you develop the skills you need to implement that advice.
By looking for these signs, you can ensure that you choose a self-help coach, group, or leader who is well-equipped to support your growth and well-being.
Healing from Hurtful or unhelpful
Experiences on your journey
Healing from being hurt, or taken advantage of can be a complex and challenging process, but there are several steps you can take to begin the healing journey:
Acknowledge what happened:
The first step is to acknowledge the fact that you were taken advantage of and that it was not your fault.
Seek support:
Surround yourself with people who support and care for you, whether that be friends, family, or a therapist.
Identify and challenge false beliefs:
Manipulation techniques were likely used to make you believe false things about yourself and the world. Work with a therapist to identify and challenge these beliefs.
Practice self-care:
Engage in activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing, such as exercise, mindfulness, and self-compassion.
Build healthy boundaries:
Learn to identify and establish healthy boundaries to prevent future exploitation.
Consider therapy:
Consider seeking therapy to work through the trauma and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Forgive yourself:
Forgive yourself for being vulnerable and remember that healing takes time.
Remember that healing is a process, and it's important to be patient with yourself and seek support when needed.
Additional Resources:
How to Escape The Toxic World of Unhelpful Self Help
Wounded Faith: Understanding and Healing from Spiritual Abuse
Remember, healing is not a linear process, and it's okay to take your time and give yourself permission to make mistakes along the way. Celebrate your progress and be proud of yourself for taking this important step towards self-improvement.
Trust in yourself and your ability to overcome any obstacles that may arise. You have the power to heal and grow, and with the right mindset, support, and resources, you can create the life you've always dreamed of. So take a deep breath, and get ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation!
